Valentines Fiction

It was Valentines Day and she looked fantastic.  She was wearing red lipstick—well it was more of a pinkish fuchsia because it was the cheapest tube she could find at Wal-Mart and she was not a wealthy woman. She was thrifty. The kind of thrifty that people noticed and admired and wanted to be around because it was so refreshing.

Her socks matched her shoelaces and her toenail polish matched her scarf. She only wished someone would see her toenail polish tonight. Every year on February 13 she painted her toenails and every year they went unappreciated. She hoped this year would be different. She hoped this would be the year that she and some lucky man would walk along the beach in their bare feet even though it was cold. She would remove her shoes, and he would comment on how her socks were so delightfully coordinated with her shoelaces.Then with a blush she would remove her socks so her toenail polish would appear and he would just smile because it takes a really special kind of woman to match her neckwear to her toes.

She took a deep breath and stepped out her front door. She breathed in the invigoratingly chilly air and smiled contentedly. For she knew her toenails were painted even if no one else did.

How to Become Leader of Your Siblings

500 years ago it was simple. There were two rules.

1. Be the oldest child.

2. Be a male.

Those were the requirements. If you weren't the oldest you had to destroy those older than you until you were. If you weren't male, your options were limited, but that's another story.

The point is, it is no longer the middle ages. How do you become the dominant child in this age of equal opportunity? I have spent nearly nineteen years in search of the answer to this question. Here's what I've got so far:

The first key factor in family domination is to REMEMBER.

• ·      Remember the things your siblings do and say that are quite ridiculous. It doesn't matter how long it has been since these things have happened. If a sibling fails miserably in a doorbell-ditching attempt--remember. If a sibling declares their ambition to someday blow up the moon--this is something you cannot forget.
• ·      Remember victories that your siblings have. This is important because you want to make sure their stories are never exaggerated. And if you can remember longer than they can, you have a certain amount of freedom to tweak the story to your own advantage.
•      Remember your siblings' pet peeves. If they reveal these to you, you now know how to endlessly exasperate them. This was a major mistake on their part. Superman didn't tell everyone that he hates kryptonite. Pet peeves could include annoying cliché phrases* or having silverware hidden in the hood of their jackets.

Secondly, does your family have its own coat of arms? If not...then...I don't know what to tell you.................this is awkward. Maybe you should work on that?

But if you do have a coat of arms, it needs to be on a T-shirt. You must wear this shirt proudly. If your coat of arms hasn't already been printed onto t-shirts, this is a problem that is easily remedied. Best-case scenario--you will be the one to order this immortalization of your coat of arms through casual-wear. Then you sell these shirts to your family for a profit**. This weakens them and strengthens you all while creating unity.

Next step: Win your family's talent shows. If you do not have family talent shows, this is not a problem. That is something to be celebrated. But if this is a tradition your family takes part in, you must come out on top. Whether or not a winner is announced aloud, there will be a victor that everyone recognizes, subconsciously perhaps, but they recognize him/her nonetheless.

Finally, in your quest for power you should graciously do favors for your siblings. This is an art. Do not do them often enough to cause suspicion, just often enough to make your siblings doubt your ambitions. This idea of seeming gracious for the sake of power may seem rather Machiavellian, but maybe gaining control of your siblings is actually not very different from running a medieval European country.

Once you have gained power you will have a subtle influence. You will be able to suggest your favorite foods*** for Christmas Eve dinner and soon it becomes tradition. The advantages to being in control are endless. I know this list isn't complete. I will continue to add to it until I have become the true leader.

*Never look a gift horse in the mouth.

**This is not something I have ever personally done.

***Three years in a row=tradition. Enchiladas.