My Number 1 Fan

 

            Recently I had a pleasant surprise while walking across campus, passing the Mckay building on my way home from school. I saw a tall figure with a familiar face in the distance. He noticed me, stopped for a moment, raised his hand to throw me a peace sign, and kept walking. It was the best part of my day.

            It was Jon Harper who I saw that day. This is the Jon Harper I'm talking about.

Not This.

          You can tell the difference because one of them ran for attorney general and the other always wears short shorts because he likes everyone to look at his legs.

            Jon and I became friends through a series of misfortunes that happened at The Grand Canyon, which you can read about  here.

            Every time I see Jon I get unreasonably excited. He feels the same about me. If you've ever heard him say, "Shut up Rachel," it's because he's kidding. He would never want me to shut up. Jon thinks I'm very funny.

            Jon and I have just a few minor differences that keep us from being closer friends. For example, he likes to go to sleep early, but I like to stay up late.  There have been many rude comments directed at me for suggesting that hanging out should continue late into the night. I have mostly forgiven him for saying these mean things, but there is still an underlying tension in our relationship, and it is likely for this reason that the majority of our interactions are accidental encounters on campus. Sometimes I invite him to have intentional encounters on campus where we meet up for lunch and this is how those conversations go.

"Lunch tomorrow at 11!"                            

"No. I'm busy."

"Well rearrange your priorities and come to lunch."

"No."

            As you can see, he works so hard at hiding how he is obsessed with me that sometimes it appears unfriendly. It's a good thing I understand his true feelings.

            Last night I saw Jon at the wedding of our good friends, Jared and Lauren. He said to me, "So when are we groovin'? Then he illustrated his point with a couple of sweet dance moves. The answer to that question, Jon, is that we're always groovin'.

The Dalrymples 2015

An old picture from a family Christmas photo shoot in 2010. We haven't taken Christmas pictures since then.

Jim became a published author this year. He enjoys having his photography displayed in cool exhibits, and he thinks his children are very funny, especially Rachel. He thinks she is the most 

hilarious.

Anne is still flying a lot and wishes that she lived in Aruba where she would fulfill her dream of being a professional kite surfer.

Jimmy and Laura: Jimmy’s dream came true this year when William Shatner tweeted at him. He also was recognized by the president of France (as being that one reporter in the massive crowd of other reporters at the Global climate change talks). Laura is a flight attendant and a very aggressive Los Angeles driver. At least she was before the two of them sold their car (due to their deeply held belief that cars are the root of all evil).

Meggan enjoys taking pictures of Ryan H. in his convincing punk Santa Claus costume.

Ashley and Dave like their two already born kids and also their one almost born kid. Marla (already born kid) owns an imaginary pink house and Kellen (other already born kid) enjoys saying very speedy prayers. Everyone else also enjoys these prayers.

Shelly enjoys watching Rylan’s soccer games where he dominated all competition in order to become the All-Star of the All-Star team.

Ryan D. and Sheri got married this year. (It rained.) They enjoy being Seattle pizza aficionados and dream of running a miniature organic farm full of miniature animals.

This year Carrie and Josh took care of Scotty (their son who *spoiler alert* will one day grow up to invent the transporter which will redefine space travel). Coming soon: Their second child.

Mary enjoys speaking in hyperbole and being a pop culture expert. Her interests include anything that (actual genius) Lin-Manuel Miranda likes. Follow her on twitter @marydal23.

Rachel is good at asking interesting questions (commentary from Mary: More like you’re good at interrogating people endlessly), dancing (freestyle only), and writing family Christmas newsletters.

Chloe cares about BYU sports and getting free t-shirts on campus. She also loves Disney. In other words, she is a BYU freshman.

Davy has lots of friends. You might hear him described as a “cool guy” with a good sense of humor.

If you’d like to see pictures check the instagram hashtag #instadalrymple where we have a biweekly photo competition.

Tips For People Who Hate Parties

In an ideal world, parties would never have more than eight people and all of those people would already know what all the other people are studying, what their hobbies are, and where they are from, so those questions would never be asked again. Unfortunately, that is not the world we live in. So, here are some tips for how to navigate those large social gatherings.

1. What are you supposed to do with your hands?

Even the best of us struggle sometimes.

People will want to shake your hand at functions like these. Though tempting, it is not acceptable to bring a large box to hold in order to avoid having to greet every new acquaintance with the touching of appendages. Just try to find something to hold, like a plate of appetizers, so your hands don't look so aimless floating around at the sides of your body.

2. How do you get out of a conversation that no one is interested in, but no one knows how to end?

This is where the plate of appetizers that is keeping your hands occupied (see #1) comes in handy. Try to always keep this plate empty, so at any moment you can say, "Shoot! I'm out of carrot slices!" Then walk away and never look back.

3.  How can you communicate with people when the sound level at the party is far above the recommended decibels for healthy hearing?

The guy that you thought just asked you if you wanted more soda is probably just from Minnesota, and maybe he really did say he liked your shirt, or maybe he said he is studying literature. Who can know? Does it matter? Just smile and nod. This will make it seem like you are aware of what is going on, while also showing that you are a happy person.

4. What should you talk about?

If you really want to skip right over the small talk, simply ask, "Do you consider yourself funny and intelligent?" This will help you know if this is a person you want to ever talk to again. Disclaimer: Party going people will likely find this question unsettling, but it is a short cut to either an interesting conversation or at least a speedy end to what would have been an immensely boring interaction.

If you'd like to attempt to engage in small talk, you can try to talk to people about their areas of interest. Here are a few conversation starters that the following groups of people are sure to respond to:

Hipsters (Recognizable by their unkempt hair, mustaches, and/or clothing that belongs in another century): What are your thoughts on the metaphysical world's influence on the recent rise in popularity of cassette tapes?

Outdoorsy people (recognizable by the Suburus they arrived in, chacos on their feet, and/or the multipurpose pocket knives they carry everywhere): "If I'm looking for an auto-locking, solar-heated climbing harness with a built-in water filter, what brand should I go with?"

Typically "cool" people (recognizable by their overly confident attitudes) "You smell good. Do you like making out?"

Hopefully, now you will feel a little more prepared next time you receive a Facebook event invite.

Tips From a Perpetual 3rd-Wheeler

Trent+Kaliesha+Rachel <3

The first step is recognition: How can you tell if you're a third wheel?

Are the two people you are with holding hands? Are they also holding hands with you? If you answered yes to the first question and no to the latter, you might be third wheeling. But it can be hard to tell. Let me know if you master this one.

Next: Make sure that you are a valuable part of this relationship.

"Hey Rachel, we're going out tonight, just the two of us."
"But who will give you unbiased constructive criticism on how cheesy your jokes are?"
"You're right! You should come with us, please. Thanks for always having our backs!"

How do you know when it is time to leave them alone?

This is a tricky one, so you need to regularly ask, "Should I leave?" or "Are you sick of me yet?" or "Do you want me to go somewhere by myself to contemplate the meaning of loneliness?" If they say something along the lines of, "No...of course not....we'd love it if you stayed...." Then it is okay to stick around because they love your company. 

Jared + Lauren + Rachel = The 3 Amigos
(They approved this nickname--but don't ask them about it.)

When walking down the street, studying, or eating lunch with two friends who are in a relationship, how should you respond when people give you confused looks? 

First make eye contact. Hold the gaze of the confused stranger. Then with indignant enthusiasm shout, WHAT DO YOU HAVE AGAINST POLYGAMY, HUH? (This will make them feel awkward and might spread misconceptions about your religion, but it will be worth it.)

Finally, what to do if they start being too affectionate in front of you:

A good trick that will get you out of this tight situation is to begin singing a catchy tune, quietly to yourself, so they think you don't notice. Then casually start dancing to your own song, and dance your way into the other room. No one's the wiser. 

The Crosswalk

They fell in love on opposite sides of the crosswalk. They were the only two waiting for the red hand to change to the walking man. They got glimpses of each other through the spaces in between the cars that rushed by on their way to dinner dates with too much small talk and loud parties with too little.

She thought he had an intriguing expression on his face, but perhaps it was just that she couldn't get a good look at it. He thought she looked curious. He imagined if she spoke, she would ask a question he didn't know the answer to. 

The light changed and they left their respective sidewalks. Her steps fell deliberately half on the white painted stripes and half on the asphalt. His accidentally fell with precision in between the painted lines. They reached the center of the street at the same time. She smiled. He returned it. They continued toward the opposite sides of the street. 

They fell out of love before their feet met the concrete of the sidewalk. 

Letters to Select Groups of Humanity and Tina Fey Gifs

Dear Touchy people who cannot engage in small talk without patting my shoulder or grabbing my hand:

I do not understand you yet, but I'm getting closer every day and soon enough I'll be able to decipher when the moment is right for patting your head, forearm, or stomach while we talk about the weather. (Not stomach? Never that one you say? See I'm learning.)

"Can you believe it's snowing outside?" says the touchy person.

(the word believe is emphasized by a squeeze to my tricep)

"Yeah, what a weird place for it to be snowing," I respond while wondering if a return tricep squeeze would be the polite response.

Dear my friends in relationships:

So when you are cuddling on the couch in my living room is that when you want to hear about my latest romantic triumphs and failures? Or is there a time that is better for you? Just let me know. I'm pretty flexible.

Dear people who give out candy in the Wilk:

This could get awkward because we need to define this relationship. I really need to sort out my emotions where you're concerned. I love it when you give me candy, but your overly aggressive eye contact makes me uncomfortable. Honestly, I'm so conflicted. 

Probably expect to see less of me because no one needs their blood sugar levels to be as high as mine. But realistically, expect to see me just as often because I'm not great at the whole "following through" thing when it comes to nutrition goals. Our relationship is unhealthy, but let's just see how things play out. Yeah?

Dear Liz Lemon,

We have so much in common. I don't care if you're "fictional" or whatever, please be my friend forever. I hope to be you when I am forty. Or when I am any other age actually.

Adventurous Friends And The Grand Canyon

It's January. The bleakest of the bleak Winter months. What could cheer us up? Sleeping outside maybe?

Lauren: You want to go camping on Friday?

Me: Won't it be a little cold?

Lauren: Yes. That's why we're going to Arizona. Grand Canyon to be more specific.

Me: Arizona? Have you ever been there before?

Lauren: No.

Me: Kay sure.

This was the group. And what a group it was.

It's Friday. 4 o'clock. We plan to drive 8 hours and arrive by midnight. We pack the car. Five freshmen. All with wads of cash in our hands to stuff in Lauren's wallet because she was our designated keeper of the cash (FORESHADOWING OF DISASTER RIGHT HERE).

4:15: Grocery shopping.

Everyone: How much food do you think we'll need?

Everyone else: A few pop tarts I think? Crackers and a loaf of bread?

Everyone: Yeah.

4:30: We intend to fill up the car with gas. We realize the wallet with our wads of cash in it is missing.

FRANTIC PACKING AND UNPACKING OF THE CAR WHILE SEARCHING VARIOUS STREET GUTTERS.

5:30: We decide to leave anyway--minus $200. But full of optimism that we can make it work. We return to the gas station. Car is full. We're on the road.

FACEBOOK MESSAGE ON LAUREN'S PHONE!

"Hey, I found your wallet. I'm at the SFH if you want it."

            REJOICING LIKE UNTO THE RETURN OF A PRODIGAL CHILD.

Road trip officially commences as we exit Provo by way of the I-15 freeway after picking up the wallet. Driving. More driving. Everyone gains a new appreciation for the game 20 questions. Julia braids Lauren's hair into cornrows. We all feel like closer friends after sharing the experience of seeing Lauren look so ridiculous.

Unholy hour of the night o'clock: I get my first sight of the natural wonder that is the Grand Canyon. My exhausted mind tries grasping at words that I had never needed to use before to describe a thing so massive and breathtaking.  

Arriving at a campground we put forth our best effort to find a perfect spot to sleep. This consists of sluggishly opening the car doors and falling out of the vehicle onto the ground.

Everyone: This spot seems good.

Everyone else: Yeah. It doesn't even feel like it is a pile of gravel or anything.

Next four hours: I am so cold I question all life decisions that have lead me to this moment, and I begin contemplating what life will be like without most of my toes.

MORNING COMES AT LAST AND WITH IT, WARMTH, AS WELL AS HOPE OF A LIFE WITH ALL TEN TOES.

We hear footsteps approaching our tent.

Park Ranger: You can't have your tent right here. This is a parking spot.

Us: Where can we put our tent?

Park Ranger: Literally anywhere else would be fine. Just not this pile of rocks that we have designated for cars.

Obediently we move our tent.

Then breakfast on strawberry pop tarts.

Everyone: Do you think we didn't plan well, food wise?

Everyone else: *changes the subject* Let's go for a quick jaunt around this place. We can bring this single bag of wheat thins and be back in time for lunch.

Everyone: Yeah.

We walk for hours down into the pinkish red walls that get taller and taller as we walk further and further. We pass lots of hikers with backpacks much bigger than ours.

Other hikers: You guys bring flashlights?

Us: No...We think we'll be done with the hike before lunch.

More hikers: You guys sleeping at the bottom?

Us: No...we think we'll be out of here by lunch.

We descend quicker and quicker until we reach a plateau. I run along the flat ground laughing at the magnificence of the rocks around me. I'm running and then I stop. My laughter stops. My breath stops. The plateau has fallen away. I see a river far below me. My four travelling companions come up behind me and together we marvel. The canyon marvels back at us. It joins us in our silent wondering that beauty exists and we were alive to experience it.

Long before wanting to, we begin our climb out of the canyon. Two members of our group are capable of running mile times that were believed to be impossible during my great-grandparents lifetime. They begin running up the canyon, while the rest of us breath so loud we cause minor seismic waves.

Us: Can we...gasp...take a...gasp... break now?

Jon and Trevor(the athletically inclined members of our group): Oh yes, of course! We can stop now! Right after we round the next three bends.

Us: *gasping dying breath sounds*

Due to divine providence, we survive the break neck pace we climbed out of the canyon at. All fibers of my clothing are dripping with salty sweat. Our only thought now is of food. Steak. And lots of it. We're going to a steak house.

Lauren, in her rush to fill her stomach with large amounts of cow meat, forgets about speedometers, and we have a nice chat with a police officer who reminds us to drive 40 mph slower than we were driving. He reminds us of this with a hefty fine from the state of Arizona.

Post chat with the less than forgiving policeman: We eat to full capacity and pay a similar amount. The conversation turns to our strong distaste of the idea of spending another night in the cold. We consider our options.

1. Sleep in the bathroom

2. Drive to Las Vegas because #yolo

3. Split the cost of a hotel in a tiny town that is debatably "real"

All options are explored, but Option 3 is most promising.

Jon: *talking on phone* Do you have room for five people. I mean...What is the most amount of people you have room for tonight.

Muffled voice of hotel receptionist: Four.

Jon: Oh yes, that's how many we have.

We are again on the road. After GPS technology fails to warn of us several closed roads we realize, whether or not this hotel we are headed for actually exists, we will never know because reaching it is not a possibility for tonight. Again: options are considered.

1. Pitch our tent somewhere in the unknown wilderness that we are driving through.

2. Return to Provo. ETA 5 or 6 AM

We decide to make the drive back to the land of the beardless and caffeine deprived. I am in the back for the rest of the drive, drifting in and out of sleep.

 When the car finally stops, I say goodbye to my friends. First Trevor and Jon. Then Julia and Lauren. I crawl into bed with the Arizona dirt still matted in my hair. I fall asleep to the sweet smell of the sweat I had earned.