Letters to Select Groups of Humanity and Tina Fey Gifs

Dear Touchy people who cannot engage in small talk without patting my shoulder or grabbing my hand:

I do not understand you yet, but I'm getting closer every day and soon enough I'll be able to decipher when the moment is right for patting your head, forearm, or stomach while we talk about the weather. (Not stomach? Never that one you say? See I'm learning.)

"Can you believe it's snowing outside?" says the touchy person.

(the word believe is emphasized by a squeeze to my tricep)

"Yeah, what a weird place for it to be snowing," I respond while wondering if a return tricep squeeze would be the polite response.

Dear my friends in relationships:

So when you are cuddling on the couch in my living room is that when you want to hear about my latest romantic triumphs and failures? Or is there a time that is better for you? Just let me know. I'm pretty flexible.

Dear people who give out candy in the Wilk:

This could get awkward because we need to define this relationship. I really need to sort out my emotions where you're concerned. I love it when you give me candy, but your overly aggressive eye contact makes me uncomfortable. Honestly, I'm so conflicted. 

Probably expect to see less of me because no one needs their blood sugar levels to be as high as mine. But realistically, expect to see me just as often because I'm not great at the whole "following through" thing when it comes to nutrition goals. Our relationship is unhealthy, but let's just see how things play out. Yeah?

Dear Liz Lemon,

We have so much in common. I don't care if you're "fictional" or whatever, please be my friend forever. I hope to be you when I am forty. Or when I am any other age actually.