My Achilles Heel

         Sometimes it's hard to believe that ripping something apart and making it bleed could be a good thing. But that's what they did.      

       As I walked to the hospital the day of my surgery, knowing I would not be able to leave the same way, I asked myself if I was making a huge mistake. Why am I walking the direction I am walking?? They are going to slice my skin and shave the bone and twist the tendon and I'm afraid of all of it. I should be running the other way!

   

   The doctor said this will help. I like to consider myself a realist, but if I'm being honest, on the scale of optimism versus pessimism, I often unintentionally lean towards the latter. Whatever my pain was a week and a half ago, I was still able to do my own laundry, get myself to places I needed to be, open my own doors, go grocery shopping, ride a bike, and not endlessly annoy the people who live beneath me when I noisily hop up and down while getting dressed. So I have to ask myself if it is worth it.

  

      In nine to twelve months I should be fully recovered. I have a problem with long-term perspective, and that is a long time to me.  I want to run again. I want to lace up my shoes and feel my heart pound while the sweat drips from my forehead. I want this everyday and not in nine months.

   This is forcing me to learn patience as well as empathy for people with actual struggles that last much longer than mine.  Also, did the doctor know that with his knife he would be removing not just bone, but pieces of my pride, as I would be forced to rely on everyone around me for simple tasks? 

   I am hopeful that my injuries heal quickly. I hope the incisions they made into my bone make me stronger than before, though it's hard to force my perspectively challenged brain to understand something that feels so counterproductive. I'm learning new emotions. I'm not really happy, but also not sad. It is more of a longing anticipation. I am anticipating the happiness that I will feel when I am better. It is a different flavor of the hope that I am used to. And whatever else I gain, I am glad that I've learned this new flavor of hope.